Mind your manners

In the 3rd grade, Mrs. Caliandro scolded me, quite rightly, for licking my dinner knife at the table. Let me preface this by saying that lunch at St. B's was an affair. We sat at tables by class and we would eat under the watchful eye of a teacher. We would be expected to eat with proper manners, and to engage in discussion. Essentially, every lunch was like Thanksgiving dinner, and you were on your best behavior. Inevitably, boys will be boys, but we obeyed the rules of the game. We asked to be excused. We used our utinsels properly. We asked things to be passed to us. I'm probably the only person I know who never got the Grey Poupon commercials. How utterly sensible it all seemed.

I spent time learning both the Continental style (fork stays in left hand) and American style (fork shifts to right hand to eat. Shifts back to left for cutting). I've dedicated thought and energy to teaching myself the proper way to eat everything I come into contact with, whether that be sushi (you may pick up nigiri with fingers. Maki is for chopsticks) or pizza (deep dish needs a fork and knife) or Chinese food (obtain a bowl, fill with rice, place items on top of rice, shovel food into mouth with chopsticks) or pasta (you may use the 'pasta spoon' but an acceptable alternative is if pasta is served in a shallow bowl as it should be, you may use the side of the bowl).

So, when I left St. B's, I was horrified to discover that the majority of the world does not, and has never, abided by such rules of conduct. The majority of the world has never called their elders sir or ma'am. The majority of the world is completely clueless when I stand up for a lady. The majority of the world has never thanked another human being for holding a door open for them. The majority of the world has never had their handshake scrutinized.

So, I had to unteach myself certain comfortable habits. I stopped calling people sir or ma'am. I stopped standing up in the presence of a lady. I stopped doing a lot of things that I had always thought were simply how things were done. Apparently only on my weirdo world. Apparently I was the only one taught to help a lady to a seat. Apparently I was the only one who was taught how to properly deliver a handshake. Apparently I was the only one who'd ever been scolded for licking my knife.

So, in my 10 years in the Midwest now (the anniversary of which was this summer), I've managed to dumb my manners down to an acceptable level. I still catch myself sometimes though. I still refer to people by sir or ma'am if I'm caught off guard. I was even accused of being military because of my propensity to do this by accident. I still sometimes find myself standing in the presence of women (you're supposed to stand whenever a lady rises or enters a room, and you're supposed to help her in and out of her seat). But perhaps the thing that I can't give up on is observation. I find myself drawn to watching my friends and family eat and drink.

If you've ever consumed anything in my presence, then you have been so judged. I can't help it. And I've never even thought about it until a friend of mine licked his knife in front of me, in public, before God himself. But I can't help it. It's like, whether you think about it or not, you judge every man you know by the quality of their handshake. You do. And you know you do because you'll find that guy every now and then that will hand you a completely limp hand, and try to pass that off as a handshake (I've stopped shaking ladies' hands. I do this thing... I 'hold' their hand, if that makes any sense).

Similarly, I've been unable to keep myself from eyeing my friends' dining habits. I know that in reality, manners are not indicative of anything. As much as I try to tell myself that table manners speak nothing about a person's true nature, I can't help but think, "But he's licking his knife!" or perhaps even worse, "Did he just cut up his steak into little pieces???"

Much like last month's splitting the bill entry, I find myself oddly attracted to people who've dedicated as much thought to this matter. If I ever found a woman who on a date lets me hold all the doors for her, lets me help her in and out of her coat, lets me help her in and out of her seat, and while eating (and displaying exquisite table manners), she brushes her hair back, leans close to me, and whispers with her hand over her mouth, "Did you see that? That guy just licked his knife!", if I ever met that girl, I'd hope she wouldn't think it tacky if I dropped to a knee right then and there and proposed.

Miss Manners, please date me

This is more of a digression than a real entry, continuing the (eventual) new Gist entry. I've spent a lot of time learning the 'proper' way to do things. For example, the proper way to light a lady's cigarette is to light your lighter, bring the lighter within about 7-8 inches from her face, cupping your other hand around the flame, and let her move to the flame. I've learned the proper way to get into a New York taxicab on a date. The guy gets in first, and scoots across the bench so that the lady does not need to do the scoot. If you're not in NYC, then the conventional way is to let the lady in, close the door for her, then walk around to the other side of the car and let yourself in. The reason for this is that in NYC, if you shut the door and walk around to the other side of the car, (A) the cab will drive away, or (B) you'll be hit by a car.

Another thing that I've never had done to me, but have always been prepared for, is what to do when a lady gives you her keys. She's not saying stay the night. She's giving you her keys so you can let her into her own home. Yes, let me repeat that. She's giving you her keys so you can let her into her own home. Now, this one makes little sense to me, but consider that this is valuable end of date time, and you will inevitably be fumbling with said keys.

I've spent a lot of time learning how to eat. I've learned the proper way to use every kind of utinsel. There are some things that you simply must learn. For example, whenever eating out with people you need to impress, never order lobster, never order spaghetti or any long noodle, and never eat Chinese. Tip 20%. Use impeccable American style with your cutlery. Although Continental is an acceptable style for eating, you're better off using something that people are accustomed to.

If you're eating Chinese, Japanese, or Korean, and you're eating a business meal, you should definitely ask for a fork if you are uncomfortable with chopsticks. It's better to eat with a fork than make a fool of yourself with chopsticks.

I imagine that people think me perhaps a hypocrite (I wonder if there's such a thing as a hypercrite?). After all, I don't think anyone has ever found me to be a mannered person. But I've made a lot of effort to be... normal. I've made a lot of effort to be an average person, not this sort of reject from an Oscar Wilde play. Because I don't think people would know what to do with me if I was all prim and proper. But I think that it's truly a lost art. I don't think people are educated anymore in how to be proper, and it's a virtue in and of itself. And part of me really doesn't believe that. Part of me is so angry with myself that I've wasted all this time being proper, when it goes so unappreciated. And part of me is angry that I've had to revise who I am just to fit in.

And a part of me just wishes that I could find someone who would appreciate all these stupid quirks I've accumulated. A part of me just wishes that I could be a gentleman to someone's lady.

Don't forget tax & tip

Nothing annoys me more than a crying baby sitting behind me on an airplane, but a close second is splitting the bill at a restaurant. This is because it never works out right, and that unfortunate fool who decided to bring a credit card will inevitably be shafted with the shortfall, or else someone will overpay to make up for the difference.

Growing up in a Corean household, the idea of splitting the bill is not only completely bizarre, but utterly rude. In Corea, it's a fight for who pays. In a society heavily engrained in Confucianism, the eldest often will attempt to pay for everything. So, if my dad's around, he would always take the bill. However, it wasn't without a fight. My uncles, my mom, my aunts, everyone must at least try to pay (if not actually pay). Part of this is the idea of reciprocation in Confucianism. You know, interpersonal relationships are all about balancing the scales, and so if someone pays for the bill to a meal, you've got to get them back somehow, in order to balance out your debt to them. It is the reciprocal nature of relationships that keeps everyone close, because you cannot abandon your debt.

The idea is never that you're simply paying someone back for what they've done. In the course of events, you accumulate all sorts of things that quantitatively cannot be repaid. You know, for example, my mom invited this lady at church to her house for Thanksgiving one year, and it was just me and my mom anyway, but she did it because this lady didn't have anyone to spend Thanksgiving with. It's a nice enough thing to do, but beyond that, there is some sense of obligation, that a person should be repaid for something like that. It's like karma in our own lifetime.

So the idea of splitting a bill is bizarre to me, in that it seems like a desperate attempt to stay even keel, not to owe anything to anyone, but regardless of whether we're not in a monetary debt to someone, we owe other people in ways that are immeasurable. How do I repay my preceptor for writing my letter of recommendation? How do I repay Scott for keeping me company when I was living at Oak Hill? How do I repay Leo for being my church buddy? How do I repay Adam and Xanthe for all the times I've gone to their place on a lazy Saturday afternoon? How do I repay Sandy for buying me dinner that one time? How do I repay Rebecca for getting me back into climbing? How do I repay Melissa for all the cigarettes I bummed? How do I repay any of this? If I can't pay this stuff back, why should I even worry about a bill for dinner?

Splitting the bill is an attempt to be fair, and in the process, it is not only unfair, but unnecessarily complicated. It always ends up this way. Someone doesn't have change. Someone doesn't have cash. Someone has to use a credit card. And in the process of totalling up the bill, someone forgets they ordered drinks, or forgets to account for tax and tip. Every time a bill is split, it always comes up short. And the mental arcobatics that need to be performed to get the necessary amount of money onto the table is a nightmare. Inevitably, someone pays more than they should have in order to get the right amount for the waitress (so classically the one who suffers that nearly all restaurants add gratuity automatically for large parties) and for the bill. That person, for years, has been me.

For a while, I settled upon the idea that all bills should be even splits. There is no question of who or how much. It's just the bill and tip split evenly. This is, by far, the best way to split a bill. And of course, the least used. This is because people always feel that they are unfairly paying more than they should. An example would be last night (11/01/03), if we split the bill evenly, me and Dave would've overpaid considerably since we split an entree. However, to me, that would be worth it to avoid the hassle of trying to be 'fair' about it. No one ever sees it that way, and so in an effort to be fair, the bill was once again split up.

Now, I've reached a level of frustration with splitting the bill that I don't even allow it to happen. If people are unwilling to do an even split, I'll try to pay the whole thing. It was how I was taught to behave in any case, and I don't really mind the cost too much. However, if you do this to a bunch of guys, it just won't work, because a man almost never is in a position where someone who is not his parent or his boss buys him a meal. This is why I enjoy eating with women. Women are used to people paying for their meals (what can I say? That's society for you), and thus are more willing to allow me to pay, and well versed in methods of reciprocation, and I don't mean that in a lewd way. I just mean that women seem to play along much better.

Now, I'm not saying that anyone owes me anything. Honestly, only three times have I ever had someone who was not my parent, a friend's parent, a relative, or my boss pay for my meal . And two of those were dates (I know, I know, I didn't pay for the date? Well, what can I say. I didn't). And that's fine. I don't do anything expecting to be repaid. It's why I don't keep track of money when it's owed to me. If I did things to be repaid, I'd have a mighty large chip on my shoulder. But the truth of the matter is that treating someone to a meal is a distinct privilege, and it's fun for me to do it.

I imagine one day I will run across a girl who will try to pay for my meal for the same reasons and I'll be forced to marry her on the spot.