Spoons for pasta!

To whom it may concern:

2007-08-07T19:15:00.000-04:00

I love writing letters. When I moved from NYC to Michigan, I would write my friends all the time, and that has given me a strong passion for written correspondence which I still carry with me. I swoon when I see letters and calling cards in movies. I watched "Rebecca" the other day, and seeing her toss about piles of personalized stationary, it was almost painful.

However, I'm betting that most people haven't written a personal letter in years, if ever. E-mail and texting have overtaken the written word. But the thing about e-mail and texts and all that stuff, it just isn't the same as a letter. It doesn't have that same nostalgia. You can't save an e-mail in a shoebox under your bed, and read it again 20 years later. So I thought I might run down the basics of letter writing for those who haven't done so in a while.

There are only a few elements to a personal letter: the heading, the date, the greeting, the body, the closing or farewell, and the signature. That's it.

The heading contains your address and the address of the recipient. You may leave this off more personal correspondence, but for formal letters (and certainly business letters) these elements should always be present. Where to align these is a little controversial.
The date on a personal letter regardless of formality should always be aligned right.
The greeting or salutation is rather formulaic. "Dear Mrs. de Winter," etc. In a formal letter, you should use Dear. On less formal letters, you can be more personal. I start every single letter, "Hi, Soandso!" All business letters should have the greeting end with a colon. For personal letters, a comma suffices.
The body of the letter should have indented paragraphs or space between paragraph. Otherwise, talk about whatever you like.
The closing or farewell is usually "Sincerely," or some such. Always starts with a capital letter. Always ends with a comma. Always aligned with the date (so if the date is aligned right, then guess where this goes). Signature comes directly beneath this. If you signature is illegible, then printed name beneath that (if you haven't put your name in the header). I am told there is a whole etiquette to how you close a letter. Who gets "Sincerely" and who gets "Faithfully" and some other nonsense. I have no idea (and that should tell you how arcane it must be).

And you're done! For your benefit, I'll try to write a little letter here so you can get the idea!

Dr. Churlsun Han
1234 Madeup Lane
Townsville, SB 13579

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

Mr. G.F. Maximilian de Winter
Manderlay Estate
Cornwall, England

Dear Maxim,

I was delighted to hear that you've found a new love in your life while vacationing in the south of France. There have been many rumors swirling about what type of lady could catch the eye of Maxim de Winter. She must be very lovely. I have recently spoken with Giles and Beatrice, who relay their whole-hearted approval.

I am sorry to be brief, but I wished to say that I greatly look forward to the festivities, and I hope I should get the chance to meet your bride at that time. Thank you for the generous invitation.

Sincerely yours,

[signature]

Which way does the belt go?

2007-07-16T15:24:00.001-04:00

Belt up 3 by sazztastical

Lately, when I was putting on my belt the other day, I noticed that the text on my belt was upside down. I was shocked. I never thought that I was wearing my belt wrong. In fact, I was convinced that I was wearing my belt correctly. So, I sought the approval of official sources.

Sadly, there is next to nothing written on the subject of how to wear a belt correctly. I searched my usual etiquette sources, but couldn't find anything to speak of. In desperation, I searched for military dress codes. The wonderful thing about the military is that everything is covered, down to the last detail.

In reviewing the latest release of the U.S. Army's Wear and Appearance of Army Uniforms and Insignia (Army Regulation 670-1), the Army's take on the belt is that the tipped end should be on the left for men, on the right for women.

Does that make it dogma? Not really. While the Army is quite strict about how its personnel should present themselves, that doesn't make them authoritative in the arena of etiquette and manners. However, it certainly makes me feel better about my belt.

By the way, belt and suspenders together are not okay. One or the other.

Where's your handkerchief?

2007-07-01T19:13:00.001-04:00

empty suits by paul goyette

In medical school, I decided that I needed a handkerchief. I consulted my local etiquette expert, who graciously approved of some unadorned, patterned, white, cotton handkerchiefs. Since then, my collection has exploded to 12 or 13 now. I've lost count, as I have also lost a few.

The reasons for carrying around a handkerchief are many in number and elegantly summed up by none other than Miss Manners, but for those who would like my take on it, here it goes.

When I was young, I went to a private school where we wore a blazer every day, and my mom made sure to tuck into my coat pocket a wad of tissues, whether I was sick or not. It took me over a decade to realize that these tissues were not for me, but were to offer to others. A gentleman did not go out into the world without having some sort of tissue product.

In Korea, there is a very pragmatic reason. Most public bathrooms lack both toilet paper and paper towels. Many people in Korea carry around a packet of toilet paper and a handkerchief to dry hands after washing. In the Western world, handkerchiefs are for wiping noses and blotting tears.

The rule is that a gentleman should carry two handkerchiefs. One is for personal use. The other is to offer to others. So, it is a good idea to keep one clean, neatly folded, and easily accessible should the need arise.

Med school was when I realized that people cry a lot, and for many different reasons. Sometimes, it is from sadness, sometimes joy, sometimes allergies. And the tissue, although pragmatic, is a poor substitute on these occasions. Nothing feels more empty than handing someone a box of tissues. It feels much more meaningful to offer a handkerchief, an item so perfectly suited to the task.

So, whenever I see someone crying, I offer them my handkerchief. In my mind, it is the only suitable tool for the wiping of tears. As a result, I have lost several handkerchiefs. I have to admit, it hurts a little to lose one, since the average cotton handkerchief runs about $2-3, but at least I can sleep at night knowing I've done my gentlemanly duties.

RSVP

2007-05-30T13:40:00.000-04:00

Wedding invitation by zakwitnij

I will admit right now that I am terrible about RSVP's. Terrible. I usually send mine in late, if at all. The only ones I do in a timely manner are wedding invitations, and that is mainly because weddings require so much planning that I would feel pretty guilty about a late notice.

That being said, it's actually quite rude not to respond to most invitations. I say 'most' because responding is an imposition on you, and often when you did not ask for such a burden. Surely you can't be expected to respond to everything that is presented to you. However, for events where you have been personally invited, it is your duty to respond.

Now, if you've ever been on the other side of the table and been the one sending out the invites, here are a few tips to prepare you for the nightmare to come.

(1) Only about 50% of people will respond to any RSVP, weddings included, whether they are coming or not. This is the truth to life. Try not to browbeat those who did not respond. If you absolutely must know, then perhaps a phone call would be more appropriate.
(2) There will always be someone who tries to 'work' an invitation. For example, on a wedding invitation, you would expect someone to put down either 1 or 2 guests for attendance. There will always be someone who puts down 6. Be prepared to call this person to negotiate something more reasonable.
(3) You should always specify the dress of the event, if you've gone through the trouble of printing invitations. Weddings are usually the only event where level of dress is assumed.
(4) Normally, people will only bring young children if the invitation states that children are welcome. But there will always be those who think that everyone wants to see their kids. If you wish to head this off at the pass, then you can actually say, "No children, please."
(5) Please remember that this is your event, and you should not be made to feel guilty about putting limits or restrictions in place. You are, after all, inviting them!
(6) Unless it is an informal event, please don't use e-vite. I love the service, and it's very handy for little things, but it's horribly tacky for things like weddings and galas.

Hats off to you

2007-05-30T01:21:00.000-04:00

I was sitting in the hospital, and I noticed a soldier walking through the building to visit a friend. He was dressed in his fatigues, wearing a cap. Now, I may be wrong about this, but my understanding of military regulations regarding uniforms is that you can't wear your uniform whenever you feel like it. You should be on duty, going to or coming from a military post, or attending a function where your uniform would be expected or required (like a Memorial Day parade, maybe).

Going to the hospital to visit a friend, however laudable, doesn't seem like a decent reason to be in combat fatigues. And then, wearing a hat indoors? Big no no. The only people who can wear a hat indoors are those who are armed (with guns!).

The reason I mention this is because people seem to have forgotten that hats are not proper attire indoors. All the time, people wear baseball caps and cowboy hats indoors, and really, they shouldn't. Now, there are some general ground rules. In a house, a restaurant, a place of worship, or a place of business, a man should always remove a hat. In some 'common areas' a hat may be okay, such as a mall or such, but this is controversy rather than dogma. A convenient way to remember: if there is a coat rack, then it's hats off.

Women may keep their hats on in church, in homes, and I think even during the national anthem. The hat rule is very much a rule for men. But women play by different rules, of which I can only barely comprehend.

I used to think that baseball caps were okay, and that this hat rule thing was archaic and old-timey. However, as I've gotten older, I've realized that taking your hat off is a gesture of civility and respect, because to wear a hat as a man is to hide something, whether that is your intention or not. Only slightly ruder is to wear sunglasses indoors.

I would encourage you, if you favor hats, to follow this rather simple rule, not because someone told you that you should, but because it speaks to your class and civility, and shows that you are a gentleman.

When a pretty girl says so...

2007-03-19T23:00:00.001-04:00

I was watching this commercial for RGX body spray, and the lady in the ad notes that she doesn't want to smell your body spray from far away, but only from up close. It's funny that it takes a commercial like this to remind men (and women) out there that the appropriate way to wear any scent is so that it can only be noticed within an intimate distance.

When wearing cologne, a small quantity (one spray) applied to the neck area and behind the ears, and not really anywhere else. If you use aftershave, then don't use cologne. One scented product is sufficient. If you're into these body sprays, then apply sparingly.

EDIT - when I say one spray, I do mean one for the neck and one for behind the ears, so a total of 2-3 sprays from an aspirator. Rereading that part, it seems confusing

Shaken or stirred?

2007-01-26T11:36:00.001-05:00

Home at Last by OpenEye

There are a lot of rules (a lot!) about alcohol, so much so that someone could probably write a whole book about alcohol etiquette. However, I'm only going to touch on a few things here.

First off, the rule is that clear liquors should always be stirred when mixing, never shaken. Anything not clear should be shaken (fruit juices, thick spirits, etc). This is both for presentation (shaking makes the drink cloudy) and also to control how much water gets into the drink.

Now, as far as etiquette is concerned, most people these days do not have the liquor cabinets of yesteryear, but most of us have a respectable selection of spirits. Personally, I have 3 scotches, beer, 2 wines, a bottle of sparkling wine (Champagne only comes from one region in France) and some dessert wine, and a little vodka I think.

With a meal, one should drink wine or beer, but little else. Maybe a margarita, but most cocktails are not made to be consumed with food. When having guests, one should always offer cocktails before or after meals.

Back in the day, you might invite someone over for drinks only, which you can still do, but in our modern world where conversation is so debased, it might seem a little awkward.

Personally, I have some favorite drinks that in no way have anything to do with etiquette, but it seems like a good time to mention them. I think that a good margarita is hard to find but very enjoyable. I have developed a new love for gin and tonic. But I will always love a good single malt scotch. You can't beat Macallan 18, but I also like Oban and Highland Park. For beer, I'm mostly an MGD guy, but if they have it, I like McEwan's Export. For wine, I still have a long way to go... but I like Toasted Head for a nice, cheap wine.

An actual pasta spoon

2006-12-10T19:10:00.001-05:00

Pasta spoon by churl

Just thought I'd showcase the pasta spoon, for which this blog is named. Can can see here that the pasta was served correctly, in a shallow bowl, but a pasta spoon (entirely unnecessary) was also supplied.

You use the basin of the spoon to twirl the noodles. There is much dispute over whether you can actually pick up the spoon and use it to usher the stray noodles with the fork. I just leave the spoon in the dish and never pick it up.

I'm sure someone will have some opinion on whether this is correct, but it is generally agreed that the pasta spoon is superfluous.

EDIT - 6/23/07 - An ethnic Italian friend of mine from Argentina was recently visiting Italy, and he confirmed for me that indeed, the pasta spoon is Italian, and people do use it, but it is not ubiquitous. Just goes to show.

Nearly done

2006-11-30T19:29:00.001-05:00

Nearly done by churl

This year for my Christmas cards, I've been trying to be a little more formal, at least in my addressing. Normally, I'm not a big stickler for protocol, but I decided that this year, I'd try it out.

So, all my cards to husbands and wives are "Mr. and Mrs. John Smith" or "Dr. and Mrs. John Smith." However, I've come upon a few stumbling blocks. First, I'm not really sure what to do when the lady is the doctor and not the man. "Mr. and Dr. John Smith" doesn't sound right at all, and I know that I could actually get away with the "Mr & Mrs" but I'm not real comfortable with that.

I also realized halfway through my cards that Ms doesn't need a period. And that I really don't like the title of Ms. It's a shame that no one uses Miss anymore. And no one uses Master anymore either.

So hopefully, no one will be offended by my Christmas card addressing. We'll see, in any case. At least I can take comfort in the fact that although perhaps insensitive, it is correct by standards of etiquette.

Incidentally, the title of "Master" has greatly fallen out of favor, but is the correct form of address for young boys, usually younger than high school age. However, it is not common anymore, except in some circles.

Thanksgiving tips - carving

2006-11-21T00:55:00.000-05:00

Turkey by DrTeeth

For those of you having your first real shot at the Thanksgiving turkey, you'd best learn how to carve. Honestly, I recommend that you practice on a roaster chicken. That will at least get you a scale model bit of practice, and chicken is very forgiving.

This is how I carve a turkey. Your results may vary...
(1) Let the turkey sit for 15 minutes for the meat to rest. Meat should always rest after cooking. Add more time with bigger, thicker pieces of meat, and meat with bone in. Can't get much bigger and bonier than a turkey...

(2) Put your turkey on a solid cutting surface. Use a large chef's knife or a carving knife. I also recommend using a boning knife for disarticulating joints.

(3) First remove the legs at the thigh joint. Pull the leg to expose the joint. Separate the thigh and drumstick. If you like to eat the drumstick in one piece, then you're done. Otherwise, cut the meat from the bone in slices, parallel to the bone.

(4) Disarticulate the wings. Separate each segment. Wings are mostly pointless, but someone may want to eat them. You may put away the boning knife now.

(5) There are two tactics to cutting breast meat. One is to take the whole breast off by taking a boning knife, following the ribcage from top to bottom, and pulling one breast away. Then, you can slice it on a cutting board. The other method is to take a carving knife and cut the breast near the wing joint horizontally, and deeply. This is the base cut. Then you can cut the breast from top to the base cut, and each slice should fall away.

When I first learned, I scoured the web, but learning at home is the best bet. Here's the website that I like best for learning: Butterball's guide to carving a turkey.

Christmastime is not here yet

2006-11-20T03:17:00.000-05:00

If you're a shopper, you know that Christmas shopping doesn't start until Black Friday, the day of the greatest sales in the history of sales. However, this doesn't and hasn't stopped people from putting up their Christmas decorations. In fact, my hospital has already put up Christmas decorations complete with a rooftop light display.

I will take a bold stand here and now and say that it is too early, FAR too early, to be putting up Christmas decorations, playing Christmas music, having festive Christmas-themed coffee cups, selling Christmas coffee blends, putting out Christmas books and music and all this Christmas STUFF!

One should not begin to display such seasonal fare until Thanksgiving evening or the Friday after Thanksgiving.

And please consider that the purpose and point of Christmas is to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ into our world, and not because of Santa Claus. We are too consumer driven, and have managed to transform December 25 into a spectacular show of opulence and wealth, when in actuality, Christmas began in the simplest of settings: a barn, a manger.

Well, excuuuuuuuuuuuse me!

2006-11-19T01:42:00.000-05:00

I was reading through the various etiquette websites that exist, and I was alarmed to discover that I had been using "excuse me" and "pardon me" entirely in error. "Excuse me" is for when you are inconveniencing someone. "Pardon me" is when someone is inconveniencing you.

Now, I have found myself saying "Excuse me" in a somewhat sardonic quality when obstructed by someone without the courtesy or foresight to realize their error, but I had always thought that the two phrases were synonymous, but now I know. And now you know.

Dining pet peeves

2006-09-24T02:20:00.000-04:00

The cutting of the cake by gwen

(I don't know who these people are. I just liked the picture!)

So this week, I saw the capital offense: the licking of a knife!

Every now and then, I cheat a lot on dining etiquette. When no one's looking, I eat pastries with a knife only, cutting and stabbing pieces. Shame on me. I can't help myself sometimes. In company though, I'd never dream of it. But I saw someone lick their knife right in front of me. I was appalled. In med school, someone did this in front of me, and I stopped eating for a moment, my brain reeling from this act of incivility.

The inevitable question is why, WHY is it rude to lick your knife. I guess that the idea behind not licking your knife was that you could cut yourself on it (which is still a legitimate concern). But I imagine that when the fork came to be, its dominance of the dining table had to be complete, and this guiltiest of guilty pleasures had to be sacrificed.

The courtesy wave

2006-09-16T19:46:00.000-04:00

Whatever happened to the courtesy wave? I was driving through a lot of construction this weekend, and I'm a pretty charitable driver. I'll let cars merge in front of me. But out of the nearly ten cars that I let merge, only one gave me a courtesy wave. And it was of course the big ass truck, not any of the sedans I let through.

For those of you that have no idea what I'm talking about, SHAME ON YOU! Whenever anyone lets you merge into a spot that he needs to slow down for, etc then once you're in, you should wave to the guy that let you in (usually with your right hand through the rear windshield).

Please practice the courtesy wave as often as humanly possible.

How to hold your fork

2006-09-16T03:29:00.000-04:00

FORK!! uploaded by ehavir

This cute little guy has an excuse. It's his first fork meal. And we are often quite forgiving of the table manners of children. However, if you're reading this, you have no excuse. A fork should never be held in a clenched fist.

I've seen a lot of people, especially when cutting with a knife, who stab their meat with the fork and a clenched fist while cutting. This is never appropriate.

The fork should always be held with the thumb and first few fingers, using the minimum amount of force needed. This is one of my dining pet peeves, but on the list of egregious dining habits, there's worse.

So, I should explain myself

2006-09-14T11:39:00.000-04:00

I thought it would be fun to have a little manners and etiquette blog. I know a lot about manners and etiquette, and although I don't always practice these noble arts, I do enjoy the knowledege.

Anyway, I thought that it would be fun to write about little pieces of arcane knowledge and help the world become a more bizarre place, but more fun, because when you meet someone else that knows these etiquette rules, it can be tremendous fun.

So, what does this have to do with spoons and pasta? Good question. One of the most hotly contested questions in the U.S. is the use of a spoon with pasta. Its purpose, for those of you non-spoon types, is to spin your fork in the bowl of the spoon to get the noodles onto the fork. Then you use the fork to eat the pasta (or some people bring the fork and spoon together to the mouth).

This question would become quite simplified if people stopped serving noodles on plates. Pasta should be served in a shallow bowl, and you can use the side of the bowl to twirl your pasta.

However, in the U.S., everything comes on plates, and pasta suffers, and the spoon for pasta is born.

Waitaminute, you say to yourself. The Italian table is set with a fork AND spoon! Quite right. The spoon is for serving sauce, and not for twirling noodles. However, the use of the spoon for pasta is so commonplace that it is often seen as acceptable, and even in some high class restaurants you may be given a spoon for pasta.

However, far beyond the spoon for pasta, if you want to show yourself an Italian food novice, ask for parmesan on your seafood.

A decent handshake

2005-02-01T00:00:00.000-05:00

After living in the Midwest for the past 12 years, I've discovered that there really is a lack of handshaking skill in the heart of the country. I've gotten very few quality handshakes. Now, I don't profess to being an expert. I give a pretty mediocre handshake, but it's never subpar, that's for sure, and I've had the practice. Going to St. Bernard's, every morning my handshake was scrutinized by the Headmaster, and honest to God, if we were deficient, we had to do it over again. Worse yet, it was what I term a rolling handshake. You're walking up to someone then shaking his hand. It's much easier if you're already there...

Anyway, I'm guessing that the most ever dedicated to the art of shaking hands is about 100 words, so I'm going to blow that away. Honestly, it's the way we judge practically every person we meet. It's the initial and perhaps only time we will come into physical contact with another person. It's a big deal. So here you go, my primer on the art of shaking hands.

First, you should be facing the person you are shaking hands with. It doesn't count if you're partially turned or somewhat sideways. If you are going to offer your hand, you should face the person. You should be standing if you are a man. Your feet should be set. A handshake is not something done on the move (which is why the rolling handshake sucks. You have to stop and turn, then go). You should be standing straight, or at least not slouched over. So, you are stopped, facing the person you are greeting, and ready to shake hands.

If the other person is standing as well, you should offer your right hand at navel level, not much lower. Always the right, even if you are left handed. I know this sounds like lefty descrimination, but a handshake is the action of the right hand. If you're lefty and you learned to shake with your left, someone did you a terrible disservice. Don't extend your arm beyond a comfortable reach. The handshake is an act of meeting a person halfway, so you shouldn't stick your arm all the way out. The other person should meet you.

If you're a man, you should offer your hand with the palm vertical. The vertical palm business is tricky. Some women and royals and dignitaries and some socialite type folks will offer you their hand palm down. They are not offering to shake hands. They are offering you their hand. Briefly, you should grasp their fingers in yours and give a light squeeze, and give a slight to modest bow. Do not kiss a hand offered. The only times it is acceptable to kiss a hand offered to you is when it is the hand of a dignitary or royal, or the hand of a woman you plan on marrying or have already done so. Also, bishops and popes and such, but usually, you're kissing a ring. I'm digressing.

A gentleman should not offer his hand palm down. It will either convey you as effeminate or else a snob. It has the definite hint of having a dominant position in the relationship, whereas the handshake is the action of equals. If you are a man, and you are not royalty, you should really always offer your palm vertically and never down.

You should make eye contact. Shaking hands is like dancing. When you dance, you don't look at your feet, you look at your partner. That's dancing. Handshakes are the same. Eye contact is key. You may glance down to ensure that your hands meet, but that's it for looking at the hand. As you extend your hand, you should voice your greeting if appropriate. Greetings should be succinct and last the duration of the handshake. Good morning, good evening, a pleasure to meet you, charmed, it's all good. Try to avoid long greetings.

You should grip the other person's hand such that the meat between the thumb and the index finger of your hand meets the same area of the other person's hand. You don't want to shake fingers; you want to shake hands. Once you have gripped the other hand, do not go limp and do not crush. A firm handshake will speak volumes about you. Most people prefer a more firm shake, so don't be afraid to squeeze a little, but your handshake is not a vice grip.

You should shake the other person's hand up and down twice or three times, then let go. That's it. You want the actual shake to last at the most 3 or 4 seconds. This has quite a bit of cultural variety. Some places prefer a longer, more thorough handshake. I've had people who've taken my hand and shook it for almost a minute. It gets a little awkward. In the US at least, no handshake should last more than a few seconds, at least a standard handshake. Once you've done your shaking, let go and withdraw your hand.

Once the handshake is over, do not wipe your hand and don't stare at your hand. It's rude and it implies that the other person's hand was dirty. Even if it is, don't be so conspicuously rude. You should still be making eye contact. Once your greeting is complete, you may step away. If the handshake is beginning a conversation between standing individuals, you may remain close. If it's an intimate or private conversation, you may keep your handshake grip intact, and lean forward to talk in private.

There are more intimate handshakes of the two handed variety. One is the two handed grip. Once you've initiated a standard handshake, you cup the grip with your left. This is more intimate and isn't to be used with strangers, but with friends. The other is a more 'political' handshake, which is to do a standard shake, but to put your left on the other person's elbow or shoulder. It's one that President GW Bush employs a lot.

Women, especially elder or more genteel ladies, may offer you their hand as described above. Do not shake their hands if they do this. Take their offered hands as I mentioned above. Women do not need to stand to greet someone. You may have a woman sitting who shakes your hand or offers her hand.

Some etiquette: you shouldn't shake hands over a desk. Step around the desk and shake hands. It's the responsibility of the person in authority to walk around his desk and shake hands, then return behind the desk. After shaking hands, that person should show their guest to a seat.

Handshakes are appropriate for more than just greetings. They may be used for congratulations, apologies, partings, and much more. It's worth doing well. If you've come to realize that your own handshake is deficient (as I suspect it is), you should practice giving a good handshake. You may not think people notice these things, but I've gotten into long and detailed discussions about who gives good handshakes before, so it doesn't go without notice. And if you don't believe me, read the description of Scott Cooley in the friends section: best handshake in all of Ohio.

Mind your manners

2003-12-01T00:00:00.000-05:00

In the 3rd grade, Mrs. Caliandro scolded me, quite rightly, for licking my dinner knife at the table. Let me preface this by saying that lunch at St. B's was an affair. We sat at tables by class and we would eat under the watchful eye of a teacher. We would be expected to eat with proper manners, and to engage in discussion. Essentially, every lunch was like Thanksgiving dinner, and you were on your best behavior. Inevitably, boys will be boys, but we obeyed the rules of the game. We asked to be excused. We used our utinsels properly. We asked things to be passed to us. I'm probably the only person I know who never got the Grey Poupon commercials. How utterly sensible it all seemed.

I spent time learning both the Continental style (fork stays in left hand) and American style (fork shifts to right hand to eat. Shifts back to left for cutting). I've dedicated thought and energy to teaching myself the proper way to eat everything I come into contact with, whether that be sushi (you may pick up nigiri with fingers. Maki is for chopsticks) or pizza (deep dish needs a fork and knife) or Chinese food (obtain a bowl, fill with rice, place items on top of rice, shovel food into mouth with chopsticks) or pasta (you may use the 'pasta spoon' but an acceptable alternative is if pasta is served in a shallow bowl as it should be, you may use the side of the bowl).

So, when I left St. B's, I was horrified to discover that the majority of the world does not, and has never, abided by such rules of conduct. The majority of the world has never called their elders sir or ma'am. The majority of the world is completely clueless when I stand up for a lady. The majority of the world has never thanked another human being for holding a door open for them. The majority of the world has never had their handshake scrutinized.

So, I had to unteach myself certain comfortable habits. I stopped calling people sir or ma'am. I stopped standing up in the presence of a lady. I stopped doing a lot of things that I had always thought were simply how things were done. Apparently only on my weirdo world. Apparently I was the only one taught to help a lady to a seat. Apparently I was the only one who was taught how to properly deliver a handshake. Apparently I was the only one who'd ever been scolded for licking my knife.

So, in my 10 years in the Midwest now (the anniversary of which was this summer), I've managed to dumb my manners down to an acceptable level. I still catch myself sometimes though. I still refer to people by sir or ma'am if I'm caught off guard. I was even accused of being military because of my propensity to do this by accident. I still sometimes find myself standing in the presence of women (you're supposed to stand whenever a lady rises or enters a room, and you're supposed to help her in and out of her seat). But perhaps the thing that I can't give up on is observation. I find myself drawn to watching my friends and family eat and drink.

If you've ever consumed anything in my presence, then you have been so judged. I can't help it. And I've never even thought about it until a friend of mine licked his knife in front of me, in public, before God himself. But I can't help it. It's like, whether you think about it or not, you judge every man you know by the quality of their handshake. You do. And you know you do because you'll find that guy every now and then that will hand you a completely limp hand, and try to pass that off as a handshake (I've stopped shaking ladies' hands. I do this thing... I 'hold' their hand, if that makes any sense).

Similarly, I've been unable to keep myself from eyeing my friends' dining habits. I know that in reality, manners are not indicative of anything. As much as I try to tell myself that table manners speak nothing about a person's true nature, I can't help but think, "But he's licking his knife!" or perhaps even worse, "Did he just cut up his steak into little pieces???"

Much like last month's splitting the bill entry, I find myself oddly attracted to people who've dedicated as much thought to this matter. If I ever found a woman who on a date lets me hold all the doors for her, lets me help her in and out of her coat, lets me help her in and out of her seat, and while eating (and displaying exquisite table manners), she brushes her hair back, leans close to me, and whispers with her hand over her mouth, "Did you see that? That guy just licked his knife!", if I ever met that girl, I'd hope she wouldn't think it tacky if I dropped to a knee right then and there and proposed.

Miss Manners, please date me

2003-11-17T00:00:00.000-05:00

This is more of a digression than a real entry, continuing the (eventual) new Gist entry. I've spent a lot of time learning the 'proper' way to do things. For example, the proper way to light a lady's cigarette is to light your lighter, bring the lighter within about 7-8 inches from her face, cupping your other hand around the flame, and let her move to the flame. I've learned the proper way to get into a New York taxicab on a date. The guy gets in first, and scoots across the bench so that the lady does not need to do the scoot. If you're not in NYC, then the conventional way is to let the lady in, close the door for her, then walk around to the other side of the car and let yourself in. The reason for this is that in NYC, if you shut the door and walk around to the other side of the car, (A) the cab will drive away, or (B) you'll be hit by a car.

Another thing that I've never had done to me, but have always been prepared for, is what to do when a lady gives you her keys. She's not saying stay the night. She's giving you her keys so you can let her into her own home. Yes, let me repeat that. She's giving you her keys so you can let her into her own home. Now, this one makes little sense to me, but consider that this is valuable end of date time, and you will inevitably be fumbling with said keys.

I've spent a lot of time learning how to eat. I've learned the proper way to use every kind of utinsel. There are some things that you simply must learn. For example, whenever eating out with people you need to impress, never order lobster, never order spaghetti or any long noodle, and never eat Chinese. Tip 20%. Use impeccable American style with your cutlery. Although Continental is an acceptable style for eating, you're better off using something that people are accustomed to.

If you're eating Chinese, Japanese, or Korean, and you're eating a business meal, you should definitely ask for a fork if you are uncomfortable with chopsticks. It's better to eat with a fork than make a fool of yourself with chopsticks.

I imagine that people think me perhaps a hypocrite (I wonder if there's such a thing as a hypercrite?). After all, I don't think anyone has ever found me to be a mannered person. But I've made a lot of effort to be... normal. I've made a lot of effort to be an average person, not this sort of reject from an Oscar Wilde play. Because I don't think people would know what to do with me if I was all prim and proper. But I think that it's truly a lost art. I don't think people are educated anymore in how to be proper, and it's a virtue in and of itself. And part of me really doesn't believe that. Part of me is so angry with myself that I've wasted all this time being proper, when it goes so unappreciated. And part of me is angry that I've had to revise who I am just to fit in.

And a part of me just wishes that I could find someone who would appreciate all these stupid quirks I've accumulated. A part of me just wishes that I could be a gentleman to someone's lady.

Don't forget tax & tip

2003-11-01T00:00:00.000-05:00

Nothing annoys me more than a crying baby sitting behind me on an airplane, but a close second is splitting the bill at a restaurant. This is because it never works out right, and that unfortunate fool who decided to bring a credit card will inevitably be shafted with the shortfall, or else someone will overpay to make up for the difference.

Growing up in a Corean household, the idea of splitting the bill is not only completely bizarre, but utterly rude. In Corea, it's a fight for who pays. In a society heavily engrained in Confucianism, the eldest often will attempt to pay for everything. So, if my dad's around, he would always take the bill. However, it wasn't without a fight. My uncles, my mom, my aunts, everyone must at least try to pay (if not actually pay). Part of this is the idea of reciprocation in Confucianism. You know, interpersonal relationships are all about balancing the scales, and so if someone pays for the bill to a meal, you've got to get them back somehow, in order to balance out your debt to them. It is the reciprocal nature of relationships that keeps everyone close, because you cannot abandon your debt.

The idea is never that you're simply paying someone back for what they've done. In the course of events, you accumulate all sorts of things that quantitatively cannot be repaid. You know, for example, my mom invited this lady at church to her house for Thanksgiving one year, and it was just me and my mom anyway, but she did it because this lady didn't have anyone to spend Thanksgiving with. It's a nice enough thing to do, but beyond that, there is some sense of obligation, that a person should be repaid for something like that. It's like karma in our own lifetime.

So the idea of splitting a bill is bizarre to me, in that it seems like a desperate attempt to stay even keel, not to owe anything to anyone, but regardless of whether we're not in a monetary debt to someone, we owe other people in ways that are immeasurable. How do I repay my preceptor for writing my letter of recommendation? How do I repay Scott for keeping me company when I was living at Oak Hill? How do I repay Leo for being my church buddy? How do I repay Adam and Xanthe for all the times I've gone to their place on a lazy Saturday afternoon? How do I repay Sandy for buying me dinner that one time? How do I repay Rebecca for getting me back into climbing? How do I repay Melissa for all the cigarettes I bummed? How do I repay any of this? If I can't pay this stuff back, why should I even worry about a bill for dinner?

Splitting the bill is an attempt to be fair, and in the process, it is not only unfair, but unnecessarily complicated. It always ends up this way. Someone doesn't have change. Someone doesn't have cash. Someone has to use a credit card. And in the process of totalling up the bill, someone forgets they ordered drinks, or forgets to account for tax and tip. Every time a bill is split, it always comes up short. And the mental arcobatics that need to be performed to get the necessary amount of money onto the table is a nightmare. Inevitably, someone pays more than they should have in order to get the right amount for the waitress (so classically the one who suffers that nearly all restaurants add gratuity automatically for large parties) and for the bill. That person, for years, has been me.

For a while, I settled upon the idea that all bills should be even splits. There is no question of who or how much. It's just the bill and tip split evenly. This is, by far, the best way to split a bill. And of course, the least used. This is because people always feel that they are unfairly paying more than they should. An example would be last night (11/01/03), if we split the bill evenly, me and Dave would've overpaid considerably since we split an entree. However, to me, that would be worth it to avoid the hassle of trying to be 'fair' about it. No one ever sees it that way, and so in an effort to be fair, the bill was once again split up.

Now, I've reached a level of frustration with splitting the bill that I don't even allow it to happen. If people are unwilling to do an even split, I'll try to pay the whole thing. It was how I was taught to behave in any case, and I don't really mind the cost too much. However, if you do this to a bunch of guys, it just won't work, because a man almost never is in a position where someone who is not his parent or his boss buys him a meal. This is why I enjoy eating with women. Women are used to people paying for their meals (what can I say? That's society for you), and thus are more willing to allow me to pay, and well versed in methods of reciprocation, and I don't mean that in a lewd way. I just mean that women seem to play along much better.

Now, I'm not saying that anyone owes me anything. Honestly, only three times have I ever had someone who was not my parent, a friend's parent, a relative, or my boss pay for my meal . And two of those were dates (I know, I know, I didn't pay for the date? Well, what can I say. I didn't). And that's fine. I don't do anything expecting to be repaid. It's why I don't keep track of money when it's owed to me. If I did things to be repaid, I'd have a mighty large chip on my shoulder. But the truth of the matter is that treating someone to a meal is a distinct privilege, and it's fun for me to do it.

I imagine one day I will run across a girl who will try to pay for my meal for the same reasons and I'll be forced to marry her on the spot.