The courtesy wave

Whatever happened to the courtesy wave? I was driving through a lot of construction this weekend, and I'm a pretty charitable driver. I'll let cars merge in front of me. But out of the nearly ten cars that I let merge, only one gave me a courtesy wave. And it was of course the big ass truck, not any of the sedans I let through.

For those of you that have no idea what I'm talking about, SHAME ON YOU! Whenever anyone lets you merge into a spot that he needs to slow down for, etc then once you're in, you should wave to the guy that let you in (usually with your right hand through the rear windshield).

Please practice the courtesy wave as often as humanly possible.

How to hold your fork

FORK!! uploaded by ehavir

This cute little guy has an excuse. It's his first fork meal. And we are often quite forgiving of the table manners of children. However, if you're reading this, you have no excuse. A fork should never be held in a clenched fist.

I've seen a lot of people, especially when cutting with a knife, who stab their meat with the fork and a clenched fist while cutting. This is never appropriate.

The fork should always be held with the thumb and first few fingers, using the minimum amount of force needed. This is one of my dining pet peeves, but on the list of egregious dining habits, there's worse.

So, I should explain myself

I thought it would be fun to have a little manners and etiquette blog. I know a lot about manners and etiquette, and although I don't always practice these noble arts, I do enjoy the knowledege.

Anyway, I thought that it would be fun to write about little pieces of arcane knowledge and help the world become a more bizarre place, but more fun, because when you meet someone else that knows these etiquette rules, it can be tremendous fun.

So, what does this have to do with spoons and pasta? Good question. One of the most hotly contested questions in the U.S. is the use of a spoon with pasta. Its purpose, for those of you non-spoon types, is to spin your fork in the bowl of the spoon to get the noodles onto the fork. Then you use the fork to eat the pasta (or some people bring the fork and spoon together to the mouth).

This question would become quite simplified if people stopped serving noodles on plates. Pasta should be served in a shallow bowl, and you can use the side of the bowl to twirl your pasta.

However, in the U.S., everything comes on plates, and pasta suffers, and the spoon for pasta is born.

Waitaminute, you say to yourself. The Italian table is set with a fork AND spoon! Quite right. The spoon is for serving sauce, and not for twirling noodles. However, the use of the spoon for pasta is so commonplace that it is often seen as acceptable, and even in some high class restaurants you may be given a spoon for pasta.

However, far beyond the spoon for pasta, if you want to show yourself an Italian food novice, ask for parmesan on your seafood.

A decent handshake

After living in the Midwest for the past 12 years, I've discovered that there really is a lack of handshaking skill in the heart of the country. I've gotten very few quality handshakes. Now, I don't profess to being an expert. I give a pretty mediocre handshake, but it's never subpar, that's for sure, and I've had the practice. Going to St. Bernard's, every morning my handshake was scrutinized by the Headmaster, and honest to God, if we were deficient, we had to do it over again. Worse yet, it was what I term a rolling handshake. You're walking up to someone then shaking his hand. It's much easier if you're already there...

Anyway, I'm guessing that the most ever dedicated to the art of shaking hands is about 100 words, so I'm going to blow that away. Honestly, it's the way we judge practically every person we meet. It's the initial and perhaps only time we will come into physical contact with another person. It's a big deal. So here you go, my primer on the art of shaking hands.

First, you should be facing the person you are shaking hands with. It doesn't count if you're partially turned or somewhat sideways. If you are going to offer your hand, you should face the person. You should be standing if you are a man. Your feet should be set. A handshake is not something done on the move (which is why the rolling handshake sucks. You have to stop and turn, then go). You should be standing straight, or at least not slouched over. So, you are stopped, facing the person you are greeting, and ready to shake hands.

If the other person is standing as well, you should offer your right hand at navel level, not much lower. Always the right, even if you are left handed. I know this sounds like lefty descrimination, but a handshake is the action of the right hand. If you're lefty and you learned to shake with your left, someone did you a terrible disservice. Don't extend your arm beyond a comfortable reach. The handshake is an act of meeting a person halfway, so you shouldn't stick your arm all the way out. The other person should meet you.

If you're a man, you should offer your hand with the palm vertical. The vertical palm business is tricky. Some women and royals and dignitaries and some socialite type folks will offer you their hand palm down. They are not offering to shake hands. They are offering you their hand. Briefly, you should grasp their fingers in yours and give a light squeeze, and give a slight to modest bow. Do not kiss a hand offered. The only times it is acceptable to kiss a hand offered to you is when it is the hand of a dignitary or royal, or the hand of a woman you plan on marrying or have already done so. Also, bishops and popes and such, but usually, you're kissing a ring. I'm digressing.

A gentleman should not offer his hand palm down. It will either convey you as effeminate or else a snob. It has the definite hint of having a dominant position in the relationship, whereas the handshake is the action of equals. If you are a man, and you are not royalty, you should really always offer your palm vertically and never down.

You should make eye contact. Shaking hands is like dancing. When you dance, you don't look at your feet, you look at your partner. That's dancing. Handshakes are the same. Eye contact is key. You may glance down to ensure that your hands meet, but that's it for looking at the hand. As you extend your hand, you should voice your greeting if appropriate. Greetings should be succinct and last the duration of the handshake. Good morning, good evening, a pleasure to meet you, charmed, it's all good. Try to avoid long greetings.

You should grip the other person's hand such that the meat between the thumb and the index finger of your hand meets the same area of the other person's hand. You don't want to shake fingers; you want to shake hands. Once you have gripped the other hand, do not go limp and do not crush. A firm handshake will speak volumes about you. Most people prefer a more firm shake, so don't be afraid to squeeze a little, but your handshake is not a vice grip.

You should shake the other person's hand up and down twice or three times, then let go. That's it. You want the actual shake to last at the most 3 or 4 seconds. This has quite a bit of cultural variety. Some places prefer a longer, more thorough handshake. I've had people who've taken my hand and shook it for almost a minute. It gets a little awkward. In the US at least, no handshake should last more than a few seconds, at least a standard handshake. Once you've done your shaking, let go and withdraw your hand.

Once the handshake is over, do not wipe your hand and don't stare at your hand. It's rude and it implies that the other person's hand was dirty. Even if it is, don't be so conspicuously rude. You should still be making eye contact. Once your greeting is complete, you may step away. If the handshake is beginning a conversation between standing individuals, you may remain close. If it's an intimate or private conversation, you may keep your handshake grip intact, and lean forward to talk in private.

There are more intimate handshakes of the two handed variety. One is the two handed grip. Once you've initiated a standard handshake, you cup the grip with your left. This is more intimate and isn't to be used with strangers, but with friends. The other is a more 'political' handshake, which is to do a standard shake, but to put your left on the other person's elbow or shoulder. It's one that President GW Bush employs a lot.

Women, especially elder or more genteel ladies, may offer you their hand as described above. Do not shake their hands if they do this. Take their offered hands as I mentioned above. Women do not need to stand to greet someone. You may have a woman sitting who shakes your hand or offers her hand.

Some etiquette: you shouldn't shake hands over a desk. Step around the desk and shake hands. It's the responsibility of the person in authority to walk around his desk and shake hands, then return behind the desk. After shaking hands, that person should show their guest to a seat.

Handshakes are appropriate for more than just greetings. They may be used for congratulations, apologies, partings, and much more. It's worth doing well. If you've come to realize that your own handshake is deficient (as I suspect it is), you should practice giving a good handshake. You may not think people notice these things, but I've gotten into long and detailed discussions about who gives good handshakes before, so it doesn't go without notice. And if you don't believe me, read the description of Scott Cooley in the friends section: best handshake in all of Ohio.

Mind your manners

In the 3rd grade, Mrs. Caliandro scolded me, quite rightly, for licking my dinner knife at the table. Let me preface this by saying that lunch at St. B's was an affair. We sat at tables by class and we would eat under the watchful eye of a teacher. We would be expected to eat with proper manners, and to engage in discussion. Essentially, every lunch was like Thanksgiving dinner, and you were on your best behavior. Inevitably, boys will be boys, but we obeyed the rules of the game. We asked to be excused. We used our utinsels properly. We asked things to be passed to us. I'm probably the only person I know who never got the Grey Poupon commercials. How utterly sensible it all seemed.

I spent time learning both the Continental style (fork stays in left hand) and American style (fork shifts to right hand to eat. Shifts back to left for cutting). I've dedicated thought and energy to teaching myself the proper way to eat everything I come into contact with, whether that be sushi (you may pick up nigiri with fingers. Maki is for chopsticks) or pizza (deep dish needs a fork and knife) or Chinese food (obtain a bowl, fill with rice, place items on top of rice, shovel food into mouth with chopsticks) or pasta (you may use the 'pasta spoon' but an acceptable alternative is if pasta is served in a shallow bowl as it should be, you may use the side of the bowl).

So, when I left St. B's, I was horrified to discover that the majority of the world does not, and has never, abided by such rules of conduct. The majority of the world has never called their elders sir or ma'am. The majority of the world is completely clueless when I stand up for a lady. The majority of the world has never thanked another human being for holding a door open for them. The majority of the world has never had their handshake scrutinized.

So, I had to unteach myself certain comfortable habits. I stopped calling people sir or ma'am. I stopped standing up in the presence of a lady. I stopped doing a lot of things that I had always thought were simply how things were done. Apparently only on my weirdo world. Apparently I was the only one taught to help a lady to a seat. Apparently I was the only one who was taught how to properly deliver a handshake. Apparently I was the only one who'd ever been scolded for licking my knife.

So, in my 10 years in the Midwest now (the anniversary of which was this summer), I've managed to dumb my manners down to an acceptable level. I still catch myself sometimes though. I still refer to people by sir or ma'am if I'm caught off guard. I was even accused of being military because of my propensity to do this by accident. I still sometimes find myself standing in the presence of women (you're supposed to stand whenever a lady rises or enters a room, and you're supposed to help her in and out of her seat). But perhaps the thing that I can't give up on is observation. I find myself drawn to watching my friends and family eat and drink.

If you've ever consumed anything in my presence, then you have been so judged. I can't help it. And I've never even thought about it until a friend of mine licked his knife in front of me, in public, before God himself. But I can't help it. It's like, whether you think about it or not, you judge every man you know by the quality of their handshake. You do. And you know you do because you'll find that guy every now and then that will hand you a completely limp hand, and try to pass that off as a handshake (I've stopped shaking ladies' hands. I do this thing... I 'hold' their hand, if that makes any sense).

Similarly, I've been unable to keep myself from eyeing my friends' dining habits. I know that in reality, manners are not indicative of anything. As much as I try to tell myself that table manners speak nothing about a person's true nature, I can't help but think, "But he's licking his knife!" or perhaps even worse, "Did he just cut up his steak into little pieces???"

Much like last month's splitting the bill entry, I find myself oddly attracted to people who've dedicated as much thought to this matter. If I ever found a woman who on a date lets me hold all the doors for her, lets me help her in and out of her coat, lets me help her in and out of her seat, and while eating (and displaying exquisite table manners), she brushes her hair back, leans close to me, and whispers with her hand over her mouth, "Did you see that? That guy just licked his knife!", if I ever met that girl, I'd hope she wouldn't think it tacky if I dropped to a knee right then and there and proposed.