Where's your handkerchief?

empty suits by paul goyette

In medical school, I decided that I needed a handkerchief. I consulted my local etiquette expert, who graciously approved of some unadorned, patterned, white, cotton handkerchiefs. Since then, my collection has exploded to 12 or 13 now. I've lost count, as I have also lost a few.

The reasons for carrying around a handkerchief are many in number and elegantly summed up by none other than Miss Manners, but for those who would like my take on it, here it goes.

When I was young, I went to a private school where we wore a blazer every day, and my mom made sure to tuck into my coat pocket a wad of tissues, whether I was sick or not. It took me over a decade to realize that these tissues were not for me, but were to offer to others. A gentleman did not go out into the world without having some sort of tissue product.

In Korea, there is a very pragmatic reason. Most public bathrooms lack both toilet paper and paper towels. Many people in Korea carry around a packet of toilet paper and a handkerchief to dry hands after washing. In the Western world, handkerchiefs are for wiping noses and blotting tears.

The rule is that a gentleman should carry two handkerchiefs. One is for personal use. The other is to offer to others. So, it is a good idea to keep one clean, neatly folded, and easily accessible should the need arise.

Med school was when I realized that people cry a lot, and for many different reasons. Sometimes, it is from sadness, sometimes joy, sometimes allergies. And the tissue, although pragmatic, is a poor substitute on these occasions. Nothing feels more empty than handing someone a box of tissues. It feels much more meaningful to offer a handkerchief, an item so perfectly suited to the task.

So, whenever I see someone crying, I offer them my handkerchief. In my mind, it is the only suitable tool for the wiping of tears. As a result, I have lost several handkerchiefs. I have to admit, it hurts a little to lose one, since the average cotton handkerchief runs about $2-3, but at least I can sleep at night knowing I've done my gentlemanly duties.

RSVP

Wedding invitation by zakwitnij

I will admit right now that I am terrible about RSVP's. Terrible. I usually send mine in late, if at all. The only ones I do in a timely manner are wedding invitations, and that is mainly because weddings require so much planning that I would feel pretty guilty about a late notice.

That being said, it's actually quite rude not to respond to most invitations. I say 'most' because responding is an imposition on you, and often when you did not ask for such a burden. Surely you can't be expected to respond to everything that is presented to you. However, for events where you have been personally invited, it is your duty to respond.

Now, if you've ever been on the other side of the table and been the one sending out the invites, here are a few tips to prepare you for the nightmare to come.

(1) Only about 50% of people will respond to any RSVP, weddings included, whether they are coming or not. This is the truth to life. Try not to browbeat those who did not respond. If you absolutely must know, then perhaps a phone call would be more appropriate.
(2) There will always be someone who tries to 'work' an invitation. For example, on a wedding invitation, you would expect someone to put down either 1 or 2 guests for attendance. There will always be someone who puts down 6. Be prepared to call this person to negotiate something more reasonable.
(3) You should always specify the dress of the event, if you've gone through the trouble of printing invitations. Weddings are usually the only event where level of dress is assumed.
(4) Normally, people will only bring young children if the invitation states that children are welcome. But there will always be those who think that everyone wants to see their kids. If you wish to head this off at the pass, then you can actually say, "No children, please."
(5) Please remember that this is your event, and you should not be made to feel guilty about putting limits or restrictions in place. You are, after all, inviting them!
(6) Unless it is an informal event, please don't use e-vite. I love the service, and it's very handy for little things, but it's horribly tacky for things like weddings and galas.

Hats off to you

I was sitting in the hospital, and I noticed a soldier walking through the building to visit a friend. He was dressed in his fatigues, wearing a cap. Now, I may be wrong about this, but my understanding of military regulations regarding uniforms is that you can't wear your uniform whenever you feel like it. You should be on duty, going to or coming from a military post, or attending a function where your uniform would be expected or required (like a Memorial Day parade, maybe).

Going to the hospital to visit a friend, however laudable, doesn't seem like a decent reason to be in combat fatigues. And then, wearing a hat indoors? Big no no. The only people who can wear a hat indoors are those who are armed (with guns!).

The reason I mention this is because people seem to have forgotten that hats are not proper attire indoors. All the time, people wear baseball caps and cowboy hats indoors, and really, they shouldn't. Now, there are some general ground rules. In a house, a restaurant, a place of worship, or a place of business, a man should always remove a hat. In some 'common areas' a hat may be okay, such as a mall or such, but this is controversy rather than dogma. A convenient way to remember: if there is a coat rack, then it's hats off.

Women may keep their hats on in church, in homes, and I think even during the national anthem. The hat rule is very much a rule for men. But women play by different rules, of which I can only barely comprehend.

I used to think that baseball caps were okay, and that this hat rule thing was archaic and old-timey. However, as I've gotten older, I've realized that taking your hat off is a gesture of civility and respect, because to wear a hat as a man is to hide something, whether that is your intention or not. Only slightly ruder is to wear sunglasses indoors.

I would encourage you, if you favor hats, to follow this rather simple rule, not because someone told you that you should, but because it speaks to your class and civility, and shows that you are a gentleman.

When a pretty girl says so...

I was watching this commercial for RGX body spray, and the lady in the ad notes that she doesn't want to smell your body spray from far away, but only from up close. It's funny that it takes a commercial like this to remind men (and women) out there that the appropriate way to wear any scent is so that it can only be noticed within an intimate distance.

When wearing cologne, a small quantity (one spray) applied to the neck area and behind the ears, and not really anywhere else. If you use aftershave, then don't use cologne. One scented product is sufficient. If you're into these body sprays, then apply sparingly.

EDIT - when I say one spray, I do mean one for the neck and one for behind the ears, so a total of 2-3 sprays from an aspirator. Rereading that part, it seems confusing

Shaken or stirred?

Home at Last by OpenEye

There are a lot of rules (a lot!) about alcohol, so much so that someone could probably write a whole book about alcohol etiquette. However, I'm only going to touch on a few things here.

First off, the rule is that clear liquors should always be stirred when mixing, never shaken. Anything not clear should be shaken (fruit juices, thick spirits, etc). This is both for presentation (shaking makes the drink cloudy) and also to control how much water gets into the drink.

Now, as far as etiquette is concerned, most people these days do not have the liquor cabinets of yesteryear, but most of us have a respectable selection of spirits. Personally, I have 3 scotches, beer, 2 wines, a bottle of sparkling wine (Champagne only comes from one region in France) and some dessert wine, and a little vodka I think.

With a meal, one should drink wine or beer, but little else. Maybe a margarita, but most cocktails are not made to be consumed with food. When having guests, one should always offer cocktails before or after meals.

Back in the day, you might invite someone over for drinks only, which you can still do, but in our modern world where conversation is so debased, it might seem a little awkward.

Personally, I have some favorite drinks that in no way have anything to do with etiquette, but it seems like a good time to mention them. I think that a good margarita is hard to find but very enjoyable. I have developed a new love for gin and tonic. But I will always love a good single malt scotch. You can't beat Macallan 18, but I also like Oban and Highland Park. For beer, I'm mostly an MGD guy, but if they have it, I like McEwan's Export. For wine, I still have a long way to go... but I like Toasted Head for a nice, cheap wine.