Miss Manners, please date me

This is more of a digression than a real entry, continuing the (eventual) new Gist entry. I've spent a lot of time learning the 'proper' way to do things. For example, the proper way to light a lady's cigarette is to light your lighter, bring the lighter within about 7-8 inches from her face, cupping your other hand around the flame, and let her move to the flame. I've learned the proper way to get into a New York taxicab on a date. The guy gets in first, and scoots across the bench so that the lady does not need to do the scoot. If you're not in NYC, then the conventional way is to let the lady in, close the door for her, then walk around to the other side of the car and let yourself in. The reason for this is that in NYC, if you shut the door and walk around to the other side of the car, (A) the cab will drive away, or (B) you'll be hit by a car.

Another thing that I've never had done to me, but have always been prepared for, is what to do when a lady gives you her keys. She's not saying stay the night. She's giving you her keys so you can let her into her own home. Yes, let me repeat that. She's giving you her keys so you can let her into her own home. Now, this one makes little sense to me, but consider that this is valuable end of date time, and you will inevitably be fumbling with said keys.

I've spent a lot of time learning how to eat. I've learned the proper way to use every kind of utinsel. There are some things that you simply must learn. For example, whenever eating out with people you need to impress, never order lobster, never order spaghetti or any long noodle, and never eat Chinese. Tip 20%. Use impeccable American style with your cutlery. Although Continental is an acceptable style for eating, you're better off using something that people are accustomed to.

If you're eating Chinese, Japanese, or Korean, and you're eating a business meal, you should definitely ask for a fork if you are uncomfortable with chopsticks. It's better to eat with a fork than make a fool of yourself with chopsticks.

I imagine that people think me perhaps a hypocrite (I wonder if there's such a thing as a hypercrite?). After all, I don't think anyone has ever found me to be a mannered person. But I've made a lot of effort to be... normal. I've made a lot of effort to be an average person, not this sort of reject from an Oscar Wilde play. Because I don't think people would know what to do with me if I was all prim and proper. But I think that it's truly a lost art. I don't think people are educated anymore in how to be proper, and it's a virtue in and of itself. And part of me really doesn't believe that. Part of me is so angry with myself that I've wasted all this time being proper, when it goes so unappreciated. And part of me is angry that I've had to revise who I am just to fit in.

And a part of me just wishes that I could find someone who would appreciate all these stupid quirks I've accumulated. A part of me just wishes that I could be a gentleman to someone's lady.